Dear Debi Advice

Please visit My New Sister Site:

"Dear Debi"
Free Advice Column

If you have a question to ask "Dear Debi" click here or on the link at the bottom of this page (deardebi@debidawn.com). In the subject line of your e-mail, write 'Dear Debi'. This is a DIFFERENT e-mail address than the links on this site to write me a normal e-mail letter, so be sure to follow the correct link. Letters will be answered in the order they are received. Not all letters will be able to be answered, of course, but as many as possible will. Check back often to read the newest letters that are answered. Letters will remain on this page for as long as it takes to replace them. I will be leaving three letters and their replies on, the oldest letters being dropped as new ones replace them. If I cannot answer your question on this page (due to subject matter) I will e-mail an answer to you privately. I will also send personal replies to any questions I cannot answer due to lack of information or knowledge. ALL other letters WILL BE ANSWERED and added to this page!! So send in those questions for "Dear Debi"!

Hi Debi,

I'm feeling very lonesome and disappointed in life and people. I'm 35 and

not in a relationship and have never been married, not even close to being

married. I always thought I would be by now.

I feel very rejected, unwanted and forgotten. I go to work and go to night

school. When that is finished I will be going back to dancing. Also, I

have just joined a new club.

Also, I feel I have no friends. I do know a lot of people and have gone out

of my way to be nice. Some of them ring me occasionally and some of the

others never ring.

I often wonder if there is something wrong with me or if there is a sign on

me that says, 'stay away from her' or 'ignore her'.

I feel like my life is slipping away from me very very quickly and it's

being wasted, by me not loving and being loved.

What can I do? I would appreciate your advice.

Thank you so much Debbie, for your help and I love your site.

Best wishes that your life will stay happy and be very rewarding and

fulfilling.

Gail

Dear Gail,

Your feelings are, sadly, too common. Many people, both married and unmarried, battle aching feelings of loneliness. It is, indeed, quite possible to feel utterly alone in the center of a crowd. While I have no answers as to why you have been unfortunate in finding your 'other half' and feeling the joys of romantic companionship, I can honestly say that I am positive no such sign exists to warn people from you. You seem from your letter to have much love to offer. You are understandably anxious to find a 'Mr. Someone' and not let time pass by, but let me warn you that there are actually many times that no one is better than a WRONG someone, so please do be careful not to let your desire for love lead you into an unhappy relationship. Believe me, those situations can feel even lonelier than being by yourself! It does sound as though you are truly trying to get out there and meet people. So it's only a matter of time and continuing this as you 'weed' through the guys you meet in your search. Please give yourself plenty of time to make a good choice. Instead of being afraid that no one wants YOU, you be the one to carefully select from among the men you meet and grow to be friends with. You can never forget that you are a special person with wonderful things to offer. Don't ever sell yourself short in your haste to be with someone or due to your fear of being alone. In the meantime, to help with feelings of being friendless and having no romantic interest in your life right now, why not find a completely different way to fulfill the need to love you have inside yourself. For instance, perhaps you could volunteer at an elderly retirement home or nursing facility, or perhaps you could help a child who is without one or both parents by spending valuable time with them on occasion? Sometimes the very best thing we can do to help ourselves cheer up a sad or lonely heart is to reach outside of out 'comfort zone' and perform a selfless act for someone even more sad or in worse circumstances. I wish you the very best luck and invite you to write to me any time you feel lonely or would like to talk more.

Debi

Dear Debi:

I work for a non-profit organization where we have very good benefits

which include a lot of vacation time ( 2-3 weeks depending how long you

have been with the company), personal time (up to 5 days), and sick time

(about 26 days). There are 5 full-time staff members who alternate

working on Friday afternoons. (On the Fridays we are scheduled to

work, we are supposed to put in a full 8 hour day, however, if it is your

week to have the afternoon off , you are supposed to work in the morning

and get the afternoon off.)

I'm sure most people in my shoes would not complain, however, one of my

co-workers is OFF from work more than she is ON and I don't feel it is

fair. She recently took one week off for vacation, but because she

broke her toe she took that week as sick time. Now she is NOT working

at all on Fridays because she takes 4 hours of personal leave in the

morning on the days she has the afternoon off OR 8 hours personal time,

vacation time, or sick time on the other Fridays. (Incidentally, she

approves all these requests for time off.)

Because my co-worker seems to have a lot of medical problems, she takes

a lot of sick time, and I am in good health and rarely use any sick time,

therefore, she is gone much more than me.

I don't want my boss to take away any of our time off, but I wish she

would make a rule that says that you must work on the Fridays you are

scheduled. How can I approach this subject with my boss without

sounding petty or jealous?

Can you help?

Signed,

peppersuespice

Dear Peppersuespice,

I can certainly understand your annoyance at the unfairness of your coworker's behavior. I would feel the same if I were in your shoes. I could just say, feel lucky that you are in better health than her, despite the extra time she gets off because if it, but I think that I would not settle for something so trite in your place. You probably have a strong sense of fairness and the injustice you see in this situation makes it too difficult for you to ignore it. I would caution you, however, to think very hard about what repercussions you might face from this coworker and others in your place of work who may take exception to your interference and your "tattling". If you think it's worth the reaction from them, or that the reaction would not likely be too difficult, then when approaching your boss to bring this to her attention I would suggest you try hard to be businesslike, professional and to the point. It would not be as effective if your boss were to interpret your complaints as 'sour grapes' or gossip. It would make a stronger case to be as objective and unemotional as possible, leaving out entirely your own personal feelings and all tone of resentment toward this coworker. Good luck with it!

Debi

Dear Debi,

I have a problem concerning my daughter and her husband.

Her husband is an alcoholic [which he will not admit to.] They have been

married for 10 years. My daughter is handicapped, in a wheelchair. She

has not been able to walk in 9 years. They have a sweet little girl, 7

years old. They lost a child to SIDS 5 years ago. The problem is our

son-in-law is getting worse. He is having black-outs where he doesn't

remember most things he does while in a drunk. He is very abusive with

his mouth and at times has treated her roughly. [Not beating]. He uses

vile words when she asks for anything. [ such as a glass of water or

ect.] He knew how bad our daughter would get when he married her, so

that's not an excuse. He tells her it's because of her that he drinks.

She knows this isn't true, but it still hurts. They fight all the time

and all in front of that sweet child. If it wasn't for our daughter my

granddaughter would think that everyone says NO all the time. We do as

much as we can for the two of them, but we are also disabled. My

daughter has asked him to leave but he won't. She is the one who does

all the bill paying and sees the child has love and everything else she

needs. He can't think for himself. He needs her more then she does him.

He will not see a councilor , he says "everyone else is crazy , not

him." He comes from a family that is the same way or worse. What can we

do ? Will he really hurt my daughter ,do you think ? Any suggestions on

how we could get help for him. All he wants to do is sleep and drink.

Oh please help us. I don't know maybe this is something you can't help

with but I'm at the end of my tether. I thank God that my daughter has

her little girl. She is the sunshine of her life . How can my daughter

go on with her life , and give him as little to do as possible ? I have

no answers. I love them so much. Mom

Dear 'Mom',

My heart goes out to you, your daughter and your granddaughter! Bless all your hearts! This is a sad and complicated tale indeed. I wish there was a magic wand I could wave to make it all go away, but only a few words of advice and encouragement can I offer. As for your son-in-law's alcoholism, if he will not even admit to it then it is a very discouraging situation. His denial, his tendency to blame everyone but himself, and his habit of thinking everyone wrong or "crazy" except him are all warning signs. The emotinal abuse he has shown is destructive to both your daughter and your granddaughter and can have long-term effects. You say that your daughter is at the point where she has asked him to leave. This is good. You also mention that she has a source of income of her own. This is very good. Despite the trouble she has had in getting him to move out there is hope. I know it seems dismal but only imagine how much worse it would be if either she was not yet ready to end it or if she had no money for her and her daughter to live on! Since he is not being cooperative in leaving there are a few different options she would have to turn to, to aid her in removing him, and perhaps even protecting her throughout the process. I would first try to find a local women's shelter or similar organization, who may be able to provide her with invaluable help, phone numbers, etc. Also, she may want to look into help through law enforcement by attaining a protection order against him. If she/you has good fellow church members, neighbors or friends that can assist her during the transition time of getting him out and helping your daughter get her life in order, it may be time to do some asking for help from them. Lastly, I would highly recommend she retain an attorney as soon as possible. He can help your daughter with the legalities of getting your son-in-law out of the house and see that your daughters rights are protected. If your son-in-law is on a downward spiral he could easily take everyone around him along with him. Given your daughter's health and the presence of your young granddaughter, I'd say that there was nothing to be gained by delaying. I truly wish you all the very best of luck and I hope that your daughter will soon be rebuilding her life safely and happily in peace and happiness.

Debi

Ask Debi your own Question

If you would like to be sent an email announcement

of new freebies and surprises I add on my site, get a glimpse of
upcoming things, 'behind the scenes' stuff, & special offers,
and to be among my most special visitors,
just sign up for my fun to read free newsletter today!!

What's new	Icons	Cursors	Themes	Wallpapers	Screen Saver
Clip Art	Puzzles & Games		Sounds	Counted Cross-Stitch Designs
Holiday Fun	"Dear Debi" Column		Free Food Storage Booklet
Virtual Webcards		Free Newsletter		Guestbook	Site Survey
About me	My favorite links		Link to me	E-mail me	Home

WebRings & Awards

**So Cool:
I know you've seen it. You've tried to ignore it.
Just ask yourself this little question: "How much time DO you spend online?"
Why not get paid for it?! What are you waiting for?
Sign up is Fast, easy and Free!
Earn even more by referring your friends and family! WOW!